Chapter 42: To grade or Not to Grade...That is the Question

Hmmm...I seem to be in an interesting pickle at the moment. I have an opportunity now that I've accumulated enough hours to try for my next belt, which is blue belt. Trouble is, the grading is at another club. Not that is a big problem with any of my instructors where or who I grade with...I think the problem lies within.
Any one who is a regular reader of this blog will know that my reluctance to grade is not an entirely new development-I always get the 'heebe-geebes' near grading time, but this time it feels different.
The really stupid thing is that had the grading date been a competition date instead, I would have been the first one to sign up. The thing is is that I have never ever liked exams at School, College or Uni (alright no one does) even though I usually got good marks (apart from my driving test-which is different story since it took me five times to pass it). So why am I an absolute complete coward when it comes to gradings? Perhaps the issue lies with the fact that I'm still having issues with Ukemi (especially the forward roll) but they are improving, albeit slowly but I should (hopefully 'touch wood') be fine by the time the grading date rolls round. Ever heard of a green belt who is terrified of falling? Well, now you have-Me!
I know that for some Aikidoccas gradings are the one thing that they strive for-some people personally feel that they are failures if they don't achieve their First Dan within a certain time frame. For me, Aiki was never about getting the coveted Black Belt-it was more about learning a little self-defence and self-confidence boost. The question I now have to ask myself is-what is it exactly that I want from my Aikido? A Black Belt eventually or not? Because if I don't conquer this fear, I will never progress. But at the same time the coloured belts system for rank in the Dojo is very much a Western idea, in Japan there are no or very few gradings- the story of the Black Belt comes from the idea that your belt is a source of Ki built up through training and that to wash or clean your belt removes all Ki and for this reason very few martial artists will wash their belts-it's considered bad luck. Thus as belts were not washed, the build up of dirt on the belt showed how long a student had been training, hence if their belt was extremely black with dirt, they were very experienced and highly skilled- 'black belts' as they became known. The truth of the matter is that after a while in Western Society, a Dan grade's belt will eventually become white again- hence they come full circle, right back to white. An interesting concept really, that someone does not necessarily have to grade to prove that they are a good Aikidocca. So, why exactly am I reluctant to do this?