Chapter 45: Two months into my new grade...there's no heating at the club and its the coldest winter we've had for a long while...

Yes thats right, our heating system that was on the brink before Christmas has packed in.
Well, whats the big deal you may ask? Okay, I have Raynauds which in basic terms mean that I have very bad circulation in my fingers and toes. Usually the basic movements that we do as part of a warm up helps to get the circulation going, but this time its not working. The other downside of having no or little heating is that our mats which are usually as hard as rocks to breakfall on have stiffened up, so basically this means that breakfalling would be easier outside on a concrete pavement then on the Tatami.
Strangley enough, this isn't really bothering me. Since reaching my next grade (blue) things like this aren't putting me off training like they used to. Its almost as if I've toughened up since last winter.
But don't get me wrong, as soon as I get changed and feel the cold hard tatami under my feet and my feet and hands go numb- I still feel that a gi that its own heating system would be a distinct advantage for me if only for the warm up (and only during winter of course).
Since getting my blue belt, I think something has happened to me, something's changed-I feel more confident during the free practice and fitter then I've ever been. I'm also contemplating entering for Randori this time in competition rather than just watching. Its a very odd feeling, whether its because I graded somewhere different and thus my grading really feels like an achievementthis time I don't know...but its a good feeling that I really feel that my training in Aikido is working for me (if only in a 'feel good' way).
Even though I feel good about my new belt I know that there is no room for compacency. The training and standards expected of me have really stepped up- there is no room for slacking. The next year in which I train for my brown will be the real test for me in Aikido, can I do it? Can I get my brown? Can I overcome my nerves and inward fears that still lurk within? I may decide not to even grade at the end of 2009, who knows? I will have to face whatever the training and life throws at me and see.

Chapter 44: First week back...including the usual aches and pains, and gulp! -Grading result!

Well, this is the first week back after Christmas and usually the one that I find the hardest. The problem is is that you feel extremely unfit (no matter what your good intentions were regarding eating half of the chocolate tin) and don't really feel like going out into the dark and cold.
This year however, it wasn't that I was feeling unfit or out of shape particularly, it was the fact that the first night back was results night was what was making me nervous. Back in December when I did my blue belt grading I didn't feel that I had done well, I didn't really expect to.
So, we line up, kneel in seiza, and wait nervously for Sensi who kneels in front of us with a small notebook....it turns out we all passed.
The fact that I'm now a blue belt hasn't really sunk in yet and I don't think it will for a couple of weeks. It feels a little unreal to me still-the fact that after three years of Aikido training, I now a blue belt. Needless to say though I am ecstatic...I don't think I will be grading for a little while!
I want to savour the moment for a while you see...because I never thought I would get this far.

Chapter 43: I've finally bitten the bullet and graded...whats next?

Well thats it...grading done and dusted. I finally managed to get a grip and try for my blue belt. The strange thing was that for a fornight I was a whole mixture of emotions-first excited, then nervous and then both excited and nervous at the same time.
The nerves this time didn't kick in till about one hour before, like I said this was a new thing for me. But I think it was because I had decided that whether I passed or failed this grading-the world wouldn't stop spinning on its axis.
It wasn't too bad. It started off a little badly as my Ukemi weren't as good as they could of been and I will be honest, had I not waited nearly a year to grade this time-I might have given up there and then. I just felt like crying in frustration really.
But the kata and technical side of the grading wasn't bad, I think it went as well as what it could have done. Apart from the fact that I had a huge mental block during counters, but I wasn't the only one to fluff that side of things up. But the one thing that I felt went well was the free practice-I really enjoyed it. There is nothing like a total of about eight minutes of free play to completely relax you at a grading- as well as tire you out.
I think with hindsight, this has benn the first grading that I have really enjoyed. All my other gradings up till now have been rather nerve racking, this one however...I'm still not sure what happened to make the nerves disappear. I think that perhaps I realised that the only person I was doing this for was me, and so I had nothing to prove to anyone except myself that I could do this. I did however have to prove that I was ready for this grade to the grading panel but somehow the whole thing didn't bother me.
So did I pass or did I fail? The truth is I don't know yet- we will find out in three weeks time.