Chapter 31: I have a late New Year resolution...I really have to stop doubting myself about my Aikido

I didn't make any New Year resolutions this year, because I didn't have any really. I have decided (rather late in the year) to make one. I have decided to will really try to quell the little voice in my head that appears at every Aiki session when we try something big, you know, the one that says 'why are you here? you're waaayyy out of your depth! you can't do this, who are you kidding?
I decided this after an Aiki course this weekend. There was an afternoon course this weekend about competition in Aikido with a grading afterwards so me and two others from the club decide to go down. It was quite good really, we got to meet up with a few other people that we knew from other clubs and got to have a go at some Aiki-jujitsu. I managed to learn a really cool choke hold that a 16-17 stone guy couldn't get out of! Hee Hee! I can't wait to try the 'floor wrestling', I have a few takedowns now in my arsenal, so hopefully I won't get squashed this time!
Afterwards came the grading and we decided to watch since there were some high Dan grades grading. It was quite a privilege and really cool to watch as you can imagine.
I decided to make my resolution about no more self-doubt after watching two blue belts (who were going to grade up to brown)go through their Kata at the beginning and I have to say, they were good, very good. I suddenly realised that the little voice popped up again, you know...the one that makes you feel very inadequate about your own abilities. It was then that I realised that if I was to succeed any further in Aikido...then I would have to start leaving my self-doubt at the door of the dojo. So, no more letting the little voice in my subconscious mind becoming part of my conscious mind...It really is a self-esteem killer.